life update?

bismillah..

salam!

it has been too long i didnt update anything here.
now here i am.

well currently working on something big, insyaAllah, for the rest of my life.

yes aku nak kahwin. tak mahu selindung2. siapa tak mahu. kan?
sekarang sedang berusaha mempersiapkan apa yang patut. sebenarnya byk yg tak patut pun terpaksa disiapkan. huhu... -__-"

seseorang pernah berkata pada aku,
"byk gila dugaan nak membina masjid ni.."

sememangnya aku sedang merasainya. semua arah cabarannya aku rasa.
tapi aku kena kuat. aku tahu itu cuma bisikan dan mainan syaitan yang cuba menggagalkan usaha kami.
semoga Allah kuatkan dan lapangkan dada kami semua.
dan semoga dipermudahkan..amiin..


aku harap dapat buat 'banyak dalam sikit'.
plan slow2. sesungguhnya Allah jualah sebaik2 pemilik perancangan dan keputusan.

mimpi

salam,

dan selamat pagi.
bangun2 rasa letih. macam otak aku ligat bekerja malam tadi. macam dok fikir satu malam ni tak henti.
bila buka mata. satu ayat ni yang bermain dlm kepala aku.
ayat yg mcm satu janji aku atau pegangan aku.

"i wont care less to care more until i know i wont care anymore"

rasa macam..biarlah apa nak jadi pun.

aku rasa aku teruk sangat. rasa mcm xde ke saat2 indah dan plg bermakna yang aku boleh buat orang tenang dan senang bila dgn aku.selalu je akan end up aku ni jadi isu dan bahan perbualan yang x best.
bila aku rasa aku nak bercakap untuk apa yang aku rasa x seronok dan x best plak, servis akan bertukar tangan, dan aku still akan jadi focus point.

aku rasa jiwa ni kosong kot. yes i need an usrah. bole lah isi hati dan fikiran aku ni dgn ilmu dan semangat2 positif. ini mcm dipenuhi bisikan syaitan je. nak2 plak time aku kotor. mmg terasa bezanya.

satu malam di hari yang lepas, aku pernah mimpi. buruk. yang aku tak kongsi pada siapa2. rasa mcm hati remuk time tu. sekarang aku rasa benda yang sama mcm dalam mimpi tu. rasa remuk.

eh. entahlah. harap aku cuma bermimpi. tapi mcm dah pasti.

hi :)

too busy to say hi :(

distance

sometimes, 

far distance is really good for a relationship. 

dulu lain, sekarang lain :)

dulu bujang sekarang tak kawin2.
hehehe.

a weekend comes again.
usually i never think of what to do in my weekend,
because ade je program atau aktiviti akan menyusul.

sekarang,
kena fikir.
apa nak buat weekend ni.
nak gi mana?
nak gi ngn siapa?

semua rasa awkward sekarang.
harap masih belum berubah.
dan semuanya masih elok
di mata dan di hati..
insyaAllah..

kafarah

salam..

sakit itu kafarah dosa.

"tidaklah orang Muslim ditimpa cubaan berupa penyakit atau lainnya, melainkan Allah menggugurkan keburukannya, sebagaimana pohon yang menggugurkan daunnya. "
(HR. Bukhari-Muslim)

Rasulullah bersabda. “Sesungguhnya ada tiga pahala yang menjadi kepunyaanmu dikala sakit. Engkau sedang mendapat peringatan dari Allah SWT, doamu dikabulkan-Nya, dan penyakit yang menimpamu akan menghapuskan dosa-dosamu.”

benar. apabila ditimpa musibah dari segi kesakitan, diturunkan penyakit, sedih akan melanda. bermacam-macam fikiran buruk akan terlintas. demi sesungguhnya kita tidak mengerti apakah yang terjadi pada tubuh kita.

kesihatan itu kan nikmat.
bukan saja cinta saja nikmat.
bila ditarik. meraung. memujuk. meminta maaf.
separuh gila umpama hilang separuh nyawa katanya.
aku pun pernah begitu. tidak terkecuali melakukan khilaf.
tapi bila lupa kesihatan itu satu nikmat,
mudah saja diambil sambil lewa.
bila sakit, tak sihat, tubuh badan tidak berjalan dgn sempurna,
mula lah. crying like hell why meeee??? why meeee?
blerghhhhh


bukanlah tujuan untuk menunjuk ke batang hidung orang lain yaa
tak lain tak bukan sekadar amaran buat diri saya sendiri.
time sihat kemain. lasak ke sana kemari. orang lain tegur jaga diri, tapi endah tak endah
bila nikmat untuk hidup seperti sedia kala yang dahulu sudah perlahan lahan ditarik,
mulalah tak tentu pasal.
sepatutnya kena redha, doa banyak. sakit itu datang daripada Dia, jadi minta jualah pada Dia
agar dikurangkan kesakitan dan disembuhkan dengan izinNya..

semoga diberi peluang olehNya..amiinn

kerja baru

eh. belum dapat lagiii..

baru je apply.

setelah genap setahun, mula lah aku menggatal nak apply kerja tempat lain.
amboi rasa dah hebat sangat ke ain.
tak tak. cuma rasa perlu keluar untuk environment lain dan rakan-rakan lain.
project pun dah nak settle down.
aku tak mau kena kejar kalau apa-apa jadi kt platform yg bakal dibina.
haha. insyaAllah tak ada apa-apa. we always put safety on top of everything of our design.
mandatory.


just wanny try my luck somewhere else.
hopefully dapat.
mencari pengalaman. menghampiri sasaran.
moga dengan berkat dan keredhaan kedua orang tua,
usaha dan tawakkal ku berhasil..
waAllahualam..

belajar

lebih setahun aku hidup di kota raya kuala lumpur.
setahun saja tapi sungguh byk yg aku pelajari
tentang kerjaya, tentang hidup, tentang manusia, tentang perasaan, tentang keluarga
banyak ketawa, banyak juga menangis


benar, apa jua yg kita rancang,
di akhirnya, ketentuan Tuhan saja yang lebih tepat dan hanya itu yang akan terjadi
aku belajar
apa jua yang mereka lakukan pada aku,
tak patut aku balas dengan perbuatan dan kata-kata yang sama
hubungan dengan Tuhan lebih utama perlu aku jaga,
banyak kali juga aku abaikan dan aku lalaikan
aku wajib percaya, baik aku padaNya,
limpahan kasih sayang seluruh dunia Dia curahkan buat aku


aku juga pelajari
tentang maruah dan harga diri
kesabaran yang tinggi aku perlu pertahankan
walau apa jua cara maruah dan harga diri dicabar dan dibolak balikkan
tiada guna aku mencurah air pada daun keladi
tiada guna aku mencurah minyak ke atas api
hanya akan membakar aku, dan melenyapkan semua impian


dahulu,
aku kuat berpegang pada prinsip dan pegangan
namun, akibat kelalaian hidup,
aku longgarkan pegangan aku
mungkin sudah tiba masa aku pulang ke pangkal jalan
dan berpegang teguh pada pendirian
bahawa aku tetap milik ibu bapaku selagi aku belum diakadkan.
telah banyak hati yang aku sedihkan dan aku lukakan
kesan daripada kelonggaran pendirian aku sendiri


aku belajar
aku perlu menahan diri daripada melontarkan kata-kata kasar
bertiangkan emosi dan marah
kerana syaitan menemani aku waktu itu dengan penuh rasa bahagia
dan mereka telah berjanji
akan sentiasa berusaha menghancurkan dan menghanyutkan anak adam


siapa pun aku,
siapa pun engkau,
marilah kita sama-sama mengambil iktibar
atas setiap apa yang berlaku
cinta itu milik Tuhan
dengan izinNya Dia titipkan rasa cinta,
dengan izinNya juga dilenyapkan rasa cinta,
hanya pegangan agama saja yang bole menahan diri daripada melakukan perkara yang merugikan
aku, engkau, dia, mereka,
kena sama-sama pulang ke pangkal jalan
dan belajar kembali
apa yang telah kita lupa dan abaikan.

kosong pada hati. penuh pada doa.

perit

kali ini terlalu perit untuk dilalui.
penghujung sinar yg sangat kabur.
hanya kelam dan kabus.
sedangkan api sedang marak di belakang.

aku hujankan doa.
aku renjiskan harapan.
aku lontarkan kemanisan.

semoga dibukakan pintu hanya..

9 hours

another 9 hours to kill.
i am very very very demotivated to work :(
Allah, please help me. give me courage and energy to do this
as my obligation for what i am responsible for.

little things means big :)

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.




Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?


I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed -dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….
The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.

So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!
****

surely this is not my story. read this somewhere and i wanted to share. :)